packing today has me thinking a lot. some good, like how fucking lucky i am to be flying (again!), to be able to travel and visit good friends, and then as i try not to over pack, about minimalism and insecurity and being fat.
I'll actually fit quite nicely on a plane, as I'm only a small fat. I'm not too tall, too broad, or too round to fit in a standard seat. sure, i have no lap room or arm room, but hey, i'm in a metal pressurized tube that flies to my destination. ok. but when i get there, i better have what i need. I'm not going to just walk into a store and probably find a dress. i can get ok pants or a shirt, but if i forget a bra, i better just forget it. i have to be prepared. obviously, this is harder the fatter you get, and i'm still sitting relatively pretty by being only 16-18, but i've spent my whole life, even when very active, on the outside of sizing, unable to truly enjoy shopping. i did it because i like to buy cute things, but so much was just making due, instead of loving my options.
i don't do checked luggage for various reasons, so i have to make sure it will fit above or under my seat. trying to be prepared, while not caring a ton of shit is tricky. and then the additional pressure of being fat and wanting to look great so I'm not THAT fat person. you know, the slovenly sad looking fatty. i am at home, where no one can judge me. but i work really hard not to look a way that reflects badly on other fat people, especially fat women. i want people to look past my fatness or at least not assume a whole host of other things about me because I'm fat. i think i have a much better chance if i'm clean, neat, non-offensively smelling, and covered. i don't let my belly rolls hang out uncovered in public. on a beach, sure, but i still wear a tasteful bikini or tankini. do i think everyone should live by these rules? no. but i do most of the time. yes i wear things I'm sure that someone thinks i can' t pull off, but that comes with not caring and asserting that i can and should take up space, more than you might like me to. even when i feel i may be transgressing what fat boundaries there are, i still maintain a clean and neat and non smelly appearance. I'm fat, but I'm not gross, lazy, dirty, smelly.
and i am fat. i know it, you know it; please don't tell me i'm not fat. i'm not blind. i know i'm fat. i kind of don't care either. I don't think of fat as an insult. it's a descriptor that fits me. that's ok. i dont care if you think i'm fat, but i do care if i don't get the job because i'm fat, or you don't want to be friends/lovers because i'm fat. or if i'm paid less because i'm fat. i'm not going to change because of those things. i'm going to work to show you fat people are just people, some dirty and smelly, some lazy, some awesome and cute and hardworking. you don't judge all skinny people by the methheads, so don't judge all fat people by the dirty gross ones.
so yeah, i worry about being smelly, or dirty, and making a bad impression as a fat person. but i don't worry about being fat much anymore, other than the prejudices that fat women face. and never fucking finding clothing that fits. grrr.
i got off on a rant about fat, but the minimalism comes in because i want to be a light packer. i want to pack only what i need and just roll. i don'tknow if that's realistic but the more minimal i get, the more i want to do.
it's been life changing, this miniamlism. i love it. i've got a long way to go, but i think i've never felt so free, or been sure that i'm going the right way. our house is cleaner, i get dressed quicker and easier, i have the things i like and i feel like i can say no easier. i feel like i'm getting to know myself better, as i'm not constantly trying to be or add something new. i keep what works, and get rid of the things i don't love, use, want or need. i'm free to let go, free to walk away. i'm ready.
